Why A Relationship Won’t Make You Happy (and what to do about it)


So are you single and satisfied or are you miserable without a mate? Like most everything, the side you stand on comes down to one simple thing, your perspective. Do you look to other people to make you happy and fulfilled, or can you find happiness and fulfillment within yourself?

Believe it or not, most people want someone else to make them feel amazing, yet they have no clue as to what makes them feel amazing. They want to be happy, yet they do not know what makes them happy and so they think that having a guy or girl in their life is what they are missing.

There’s certainly nothing wrong with wanting to be in a loving relationship in which you are treated in a special way; however, problems arise when you put the responsibility of your happiness and fulfillment onto someone else.

Your Happiness is Your Responsibility

Do yourself a favor, before you get into another relationship, consider developing a relationship with yourself first and learn how to make yourself happy and fulfilled, otherwise your (fleeting) happiness will always be at the mercy of other people or circumstances. Also, I can almost guarantee that if you can’t make yourself happy, there’s a high chance that a relationship won’t make you happy either.

Consider this, when you put the responsibility of your happiness off on your mate, not only do you give away all of your power, but you also put a lot of pressure on the other person to be who you want them to be and to give you what you feel you need. And when they don’t measure up, you’re easily let down and happiness goes out the window. This happens because many of us don’t realize that seeking a relationship for happiness will never work. It’s never been about what you can get from a relationship, rather, what you can give and share together. And if you can’t bring happiness to yourself, how can you bring it to another? When you own your happiness, not only do you become much more attractive to everyone, but you also become much more relaxed in your life and relationships because you’re not looking to others for anything other than to share your happiness…you know how to make yourself happy.

It doesn’t work out when unhappy people get into relationships in order to get happy because the reason for your unhappiness was not that you were missing a relationship with another person; rather, you were missing a relationship with yourself. And until you can learn to make yourself happy and fulfilled, your happiness will never be full and complete and will always be out of your control; and that’s neither a fun nor empowering way to live.

Read on to find out how to make yourself happy with or without a relationship.

Happiness Is A Choice

There is no magic wand for happiness nor is there a magic someone that can magically make you happy, happiness is a choice. A choice that you make once you fully accept yourself and realize that you and you alone are responsible for your happiness.

Making your self happy and treating your self in a special way starts with self-love, and self-love starts with self-acceptance. For many people, it’s the lack of self-love and acceptance that is at the root of their unhappiness and failed relationships in the first place. When you’re unaccepting of yourself, it’s going to be difficult to be happy with yourself or anyone else for that matter. Therefore, self-acceptance is the path to inner peace and happiness within yourself and the path to fulfilling relationships.

How to Make Your Self Happy

Self-acceptance comes down to one simple concept and that is surrender. Surrender is about letting go of your emotional attachments to everything; including your attachments to who you are, who you think you should be, the decisions you’ve made in the past, the fear of not being good enough, etc.

In other words, self-acceptance means liberating yourself from all of the baggage that has been weighing you down and stealing your joy. The baggage is not your thoughts, beliefs, emotions, and experiences, rather, your emotional attachments to them; and the only way to detach is through acceptance.

True acceptance of yourself and your life circumstances allows you to be happy and at peace no matter what has happened or is happening. When you’re fully accepting, that’s when you have successfully detached from outcomes and are ready for a happy life and fulfilling romantic relationship.

Not Sure Where You Are On The Road to Happiness?

You can tell how much you accept yourself not only by how happy you are, but also by how you talk to and treat yourself. Do you beat yourself down with negative self-talk when you’ve made a mistake or don’t like what you see in the mirror? Are you meeting your needs for a happy, peaceful and fulfilling life by making time to care for yourself in ways that fulfill, energize and recharge your whole self?  Or are you pacifying yourself with people and activities that do not truly energize and nurture you? Do you even know what energizes and nurtures you?  

Treating Your Self Like The Love of Your Life

If you are looking to another to make you feel like the only girl (or guy) in the world, then it’s in your best interest to first learn how to treat your SELF like the love of your life; the first step is self-acceptance, the next step is self-care.

How often do you do things for yourself that make you feel special and that honors the wonderful being that you are and contributes to who you would like to be? How often do you treat yourself? And when you do treat yourself, is it a healthy treat or just for immediate gratification? When was the last time you treated yourself to something that added value to your life; like taking a class to learn a new skill or taking in an amazing musical performance at the theater?

Self-care isn’t all about getting massages and manicures; it’s about taking care of your whole self, and that includes your spiritual, intellectual and inspirational needs too!

If you’re ever going to be in a fulfilling relationship with someone else, first learn how to develop one with yourself. You can start by taking a few moments to determine what makes you happy.

1. Write down what you need to function in your life effectively. This can refer to any physical, lifestyle, spiritual, social or personal needs that you require in order to function at your best each day. This will be different for everyone.  For example, some may require a lot of alone time to function at their best, some may need to be around friends and family a lot, and others don’t feel their best if they don’t work out or pray daily, etc. What are your daily essentials for happiness?

2. Write down what you need to recharge and energize. This could be self-expression like art, writing, or creating music, reading, bubble baths, sex, walks in nature, massages, cooking, etc. These may not be daily activities, but something you require periodically.

3. Write down what you need to feel fulfilled, connected and spiritually at peace with yourself. This can refer to prayer, meditation, yoga, spiritual and study groups, volunteer service, time with family and friends, etc.

Now that you know what you need to function, recharge, and to feel at peace, begin to schedule those activities in your calendar and don’t make them optional, make them an essential part of your life! Stop waiting around for the perfect person or the ideal situation to come along and make your life all better. YOU have the power to make that happen for yourself, and you can start right now.

Peace, Love & Light,

Selena J

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  3 comments for “Why A Relationship Won’t Make You Happy (and what to do about it)

  1. Melanie
    April 25, 2014 at 1:11 pm

    Thank you Selena, It is not selfish to love yourself first it is a necessity. I have in the past relied on someone else to make me happy and in that relationship realized that I did give up my power. I am still learning what makes me happy but the journey has been inspiring. I am in a better place in my life and do what makes me happy but mostly this has given me peace. Thank you for being an inspiration.

  2. Jaime
    April 24, 2014 at 3:23 pm

    Wonderful read Selena! Many times we know within ourselves what is needed but do not act or we are afraid to act and you just need that right person or that right situation to make you sit up and pay attention. Selena you are that right person, that right situation and I so appreciate you. Thank you for sharing.

  3. Emily
    April 23, 2014 at 11:06 pm

    Thank you thank you thank you Selena! This is right on time for me. This confirms what I have recently found to be true in my life after so many failed attempts at seeking happiness in men. It simply doesn’t work and this article is a wonderful tool to help redirect me to what I really need to be focused on…taking care of me and my happiness! Love you girl!

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